Words, words, words...Forgive my unbelief...

Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.

A few days ago I was at the WATCH (Waiting Awakened To Change History) prayer meeting here on the mountain. I have only been a few times but knew that I could expect great things from the lives and lips of those around me. I felt compelled to go initially because I have been waiting expectantly to meet with God. You know, I want to have those encounters with the most High God in all His splendor and greatness that I do not know what to do...personally I want to stop breathing for fear of missing something. Sound crazy? If it does, I hope that you grow to desire a close encounter with God or as they say at the WATCH, a manifestation of God's Spirit. If you do not know nor desire God I hope you keep reading anyway...if nothing else you have a story to tell others about this crazy girl on the internet who talks about God all the time. :)

For each of you reading this desperate attempt at writing, I pray that you seek and find and see the glory of the Lord. It might knock you down on your knees or your face, but you will not regret it.

When I first came into the service, I sense a sweet Spirit of the Lord. Of course I knew how to ruin that in the first few minutes by letting my mind wander to the events of the day, the homework I had to finish, the family I was missing, the fact that I could not remember if I put my cell phone on silent (wouldn't want to be embarrassed by it suddenly going off) and so forth. The worst part was when I suddenly felt uncomfortable to stand up, raise my hands, and declare aloud something to the God who saved me from heartache and pain many years ago. Talk about a let-down to God I am sure, but THANKFULLY I came to my senses. With my head bowed, I started to tell God how I can't do this alone...this thing called life...this day to day breathing, sleeping, eating, working, schooling routine that I find myself in these days.

I don't know about you but life with God, especially when I allow Him to have control over my life is the real adventure. So far, I am not disappointed in the adventures of God and I wait expectantly for the ones to come. Tomorrow could be one. Pssshhh...the next few minutes could be one for all I know. Throughout the service, I became more and more aware of the Holy Spirit speaking into my heart (if you are not sure what I mean by this I probably will not be any good at explaining it but you can ask me!)...some of which manifested itself out of my mouth in word or song or something that resembled the two. I was having an amazing time with God in all His greatness...BUT

It was not until the end of the service that I started to feel that uneasiness that I felt in the beginning. Those of you who have had encounters with God probably have experienced that feeling in your gut that tells you that you are about to be asked to do something out of your comfort zone..."Lord WHAT do you WANT me to do?!" I screamed in my heart. Somewhat of an agitated scream but thankfully God forgives and sees past our irritability...He was probably laughing and going "OH yea, Ms. Jess, you think you got it all figured out do ya?" Then...the dear person leading the service (whom I have not asked to use his name so I won't) said that they would play one last song and if anyone needed prayer to come down to the front.

Bahahaha. I laugh because I had just told my roommate that I really wanted prayer warriors to pray for my healing. For those of you who may not know, I have had somewhat severe allergy problems over the last year. Some are hindering to my days being productive. The doctors honestly have not been of much help. I have been rebuking and speaking against this problem in the Name of Jesus for some time now. But nothing miraculous has happened...no physical healing...only more doubt and frustration and discomfort.

As we were singing about God's faithfulness I knew that I was suppose to take a few steps down an aisle (Lord knows the last time I "walked an aisle at church") and ask for prayer. If it is uncomfortable for me, having known God for most of my life at this point, I can only imagine how people feel who have never been in church. Let me just say, DON'T ignore those strong poundings in your heart, or the sickening feeling in your gut that you are suppose to physically move; you know, get up, raise your hand or whatever to make a declaration that you want to have the time of your life by seeking Jesus or to pray...I truly believe that is a physical representation of God urging you to draw closer to Him. Satan would do all he could to glue your booty to the seat. (It is not the moving that saves you or heals you but the believing faith behind the move).

So, with tears already running down my face and most of my mascara and eyeliner already gone (I am such a girl), I made that breathtaking journey down the aisle. Upon arriving at my destination I had every intention of only mentioning my physical ailments but God had other plans...of which I will possibly share at a later time.

DON'T fall asleep yet, PLEASE. The most humbling thing about being up there is the fact that only about three people actually know me...and I would question the depth of them knowing me at that point. I had no idea of the other people in the room either. That did not matter since we all have at least one common factor..we are all sons and daughters of the living God. As everyone gathered around me and like in a movie, the music played in the background (one of the only moments in my life I have had my own background music. ;) ), I could not hold back the tears because in that moment I knew that God was and is able to do all things.

One of the most powerful moments was when we were asked to picture Jesus and to hold on to that picture. I have no idea how the others pictured Jesus, maybe dying on the cross, maybe the resurrection, maybe walking on water; all I could see was Jesus walking toward me, arms out in front of him, palms up, waiting to take my hand. He was moving toward me and asking me to take the step out and take his hand, to latch onto Him and never ever let go. I felt overwhelmed in my heart and I almost lost my breath. Jesus-the Son of God-wanting me. I was reminded of the woman in the Bible who just wanted to touch Jesus' robe as he passed through the crowd in order to be healed. What FAITH she must have had.

I was on a spiritual high when I left. I had not planned for any of that to happen, but that is how God works. I had a moment of very deep faith that God would do what I had asked at God's throne. Of course, the next day, doubt set in. I am being vulnerable when I say that I wish I had a faith like the woman who reached out and touched Jesus, but the reality is that I need God's help. You see, I don't know about the rest of you, but in my life it is much easier to pray for others to be healed and believe it can be done than it is to pray and believe for myself.

Weird how that works huh? My thoughts have been in the past, why would God want to heal me or answer my prayers? Why would I think that God could heal someone else but not heal me?

God is continually working in my heart that He loves me enough to perform miraculous wonders in my life. (Funny how He has shown this to me many times and yet I still doubt. Shame on me.) It is ironic that I can see Jesus in my heart reaching out to me but still have trouble touching Him and believing Him. I am trusting God for miracles now because I know He hears my prayers and cares for me his daughter just the same way He cares for YOU, believer or not, He loves you.

I shared this long drawn out story to say BELIEVE God for great things! Ask Him, He loves you. Cry out to Him, He will dry your tears. Step out in the aisle, He will meet you at the point of your need.

Rend your heart from the things holding you back and let God render your heart and restore you. In the mean time, I am down on my knees praying that God forgive my unbelief and to SHOW OUT in my life because He gets all the glory, honor, and praise.

With Love,
Jessica