This might hurt a little...at least for me.

This might hurt a little…at least for me.
I do not know about the rest of you, but I am sick of learning lessons the hard way! You know, when we are stubborn and think that we can do things our own way and get away with it..then it blows up in our faces. Maybe you have experienced this. Maybe it hasn’t happened to you yet! Personally, I wish I weren’t so stubborn that God has to teach and then re-teach me a lesson so that my heart actually receives the discipline. I guess I should be thanking him for his mercy and the gift of second chances.


Warning: Some of you men might find this a little too “heart” felt or mushy…you are sick of this love stuff…well, stop whining please and just keep reading. Jesus was the ultimate man…and He had no problem talking about love and demonstrating love…He showed us the ultimate sacrifice of one’s love for another by dying for us.


 God is a jealous God. This does NOT mean he is jealous of you. Why would He be? He created you and He did not make a piece of junk. You are an intricately crafted piece of art created by the most creative artist ever (Read Pslam 139). It means He is jealous for you; for your affection, for your attention. He does not want you to worship or love anything above Him (Read 2 Corinthians). This is emptiness anyway. For me, this means that He loves me so much and wants to have a relationship with me so much that if anything stands in the way of His heart and my heart connecting, He is going to weed it out. He is going to go in there and dig that joker out of my heart (whatever that “joker” might be). Now, don’t get me wrong, God is a gentleman…even to you men reading this. He knocks and waits for us to open the door; He gives us a chance to rend our own hearts, but He definitely knows how to discipline us and teach us lessons, even if it means breaking us a little bit…or a lot, depending on how thick your skull is. Ha.


A few years ago I had to learn a lesson that was very painful…well it was probably a few lessons in one life experience, but the main one was learning that I do NOT have nor do I need control over my life. What a mess I would make it anyway. I only think I know what is best for me until God compares what I desire as best to His actual best…then what I wanted seems like smelly trash.


The second one was that the relationships I have with people cannot get in the way of the relationship I have with God, my first true love. I may get closer to some people than others and I may feel the compelled to lavish a little more “love” on some than I do others, but this is usually because God is teaching me or that other person a lesson. I have found that those that God has me pour into the hardest and the fastest are those that are not meant to be in my life but for a season. This hurts but it is so worth every minute, every tear, and every piece of myself that I give away. (I still hope for the few more in my life that get to stay a lifetime.)


I believe that God does NOT make mistakes and He knows the people that need to be put in my path. Sometimes, however, He has to rip people out of my path for me to learn, mature, and grow closer to Him.


You see-my heart in and of itself is a smelly, rotten, stained, shattered, decaying place that no one would ever want to enter. But with God, my heart is pure, holy, complete, and steadfast; the inside of who I am has been transformed from a darkened dungeon full of dreadful dragons into a beautifully lit palace. Now, don’t get me wrong here. I am not perfect yet, but when I allow God to clean out the wounds I allow Him to give me more space to love Him and to love others.


You still don’t get it?
Let me give you another visual that one of my professors gave me…if you have ever seen or been around burn victims you know that they must have their burns scraped and cleaned out often in order for healing to occur. Despite the pain that they are in, the doctor must scrape and dig out the rotting flesh in order for new skin to grow. Now I don’t know if you can imagine that but it hurts me to the core just thinking about it. While this is a painful process for the burn victim, the doctor knows that the pain he is causing right now can save that person’s body and help them to heal properly as time goes by.


Well, this is what God does, he scrapes out the crap (I know, this word is so lady like) that has managed to clog up your life and your heart, and it hurts like crazy. But He knows that if he can make you clean then you can heal and by healing, you live a more abundant life. I prayed often that I would love God more and that He would help me. Well, he heard that prayer when he ripped someone from my life that I had thought could fill a void in my heart. Now, I see that it took God removing that person from my life for me to understand His love for me and it makes me realize my need to cling to my Father in heaven first. It makes me sad at times that God would deem it necessary to do this in order for my stubborn heart to be cleaned out, but it also makes me aware that I never ever want to be so hard headed again that He has to do it twice.


So, recently I am learning that I have to fight to love God and I have to fight to love people with a pure, holy, and unselfish love. I have to fight against my flesh that tells me that other things can satisfy my spirit and heart. I have to fight against the enemy that says I can’t have overflowing relationships that are pleasing to God. I have to fight against my own desire to sabotage relationships prematurely because I fear God is going to take that person away or for fear of rejection…as my dad says, “let them feel the weight of who you are and then let them decide if they can handle it…”


At the end of the day I think of this. Love is a choice. It is a decision. Yes, there are emotions and goose bumps and butterflies; there are tears and laughter, but these things do not make up love, they only accompany certain stages of growing in love. So, at the end of the day I hope that I can say, at least majority of the time, that I loved deep, I loved hard, I loved without reservation or concern for myself, I loved unconditionally as Jesus did despite what others said about Him.


If you do not know what I am talking about try reading some of God’s Word. You’ll find the most splendid love story of all, just waiting to unfold before your eyes.

I John 3:19-24

This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.


Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him. And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. Those who obey his commands live in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us.

Words, words, words...Forgive my unbelief...

Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.

A few days ago I was at the WATCH (Waiting Awakened To Change History) prayer meeting here on the mountain. I have only been a few times but knew that I could expect great things from the lives and lips of those around me. I felt compelled to go initially because I have been waiting expectantly to meet with God. You know, I want to have those encounters with the most High God in all His splendor and greatness that I do not know what to do...personally I want to stop breathing for fear of missing something. Sound crazy? If it does, I hope that you grow to desire a close encounter with God or as they say at the WATCH, a manifestation of God's Spirit. If you do not know nor desire God I hope you keep reading anyway...if nothing else you have a story to tell others about this crazy girl on the internet who talks about God all the time. :)

For each of you reading this desperate attempt at writing, I pray that you seek and find and see the glory of the Lord. It might knock you down on your knees or your face, but you will not regret it.

When I first came into the service, I sense a sweet Spirit of the Lord. Of course I knew how to ruin that in the first few minutes by letting my mind wander to the events of the day, the homework I had to finish, the family I was missing, the fact that I could not remember if I put my cell phone on silent (wouldn't want to be embarrassed by it suddenly going off) and so forth. The worst part was when I suddenly felt uncomfortable to stand up, raise my hands, and declare aloud something to the God who saved me from heartache and pain many years ago. Talk about a let-down to God I am sure, but THANKFULLY I came to my senses. With my head bowed, I started to tell God how I can't do this alone...this thing called life...this day to day breathing, sleeping, eating, working, schooling routine that I find myself in these days.

I don't know about you but life with God, especially when I allow Him to have control over my life is the real adventure. So far, I am not disappointed in the adventures of God and I wait expectantly for the ones to come. Tomorrow could be one. Pssshhh...the next few minutes could be one for all I know. Throughout the service, I became more and more aware of the Holy Spirit speaking into my heart (if you are not sure what I mean by this I probably will not be any good at explaining it but you can ask me!)...some of which manifested itself out of my mouth in word or song or something that resembled the two. I was having an amazing time with God in all His greatness...BUT

It was not until the end of the service that I started to feel that uneasiness that I felt in the beginning. Those of you who have had encounters with God probably have experienced that feeling in your gut that tells you that you are about to be asked to do something out of your comfort zone..."Lord WHAT do you WANT me to do?!" I screamed in my heart. Somewhat of an agitated scream but thankfully God forgives and sees past our irritability...He was probably laughing and going "OH yea, Ms. Jess, you think you got it all figured out do ya?" Then...the dear person leading the service (whom I have not asked to use his name so I won't) said that they would play one last song and if anyone needed prayer to come down to the front.

Bahahaha. I laugh because I had just told my roommate that I really wanted prayer warriors to pray for my healing. For those of you who may not know, I have had somewhat severe allergy problems over the last year. Some are hindering to my days being productive. The doctors honestly have not been of much help. I have been rebuking and speaking against this problem in the Name of Jesus for some time now. But nothing miraculous has happened...no physical healing...only more doubt and frustration and discomfort.

As we were singing about God's faithfulness I knew that I was suppose to take a few steps down an aisle (Lord knows the last time I "walked an aisle at church") and ask for prayer. If it is uncomfortable for me, having known God for most of my life at this point, I can only imagine how people feel who have never been in church. Let me just say, DON'T ignore those strong poundings in your heart, or the sickening feeling in your gut that you are suppose to physically move; you know, get up, raise your hand or whatever to make a declaration that you want to have the time of your life by seeking Jesus or to pray...I truly believe that is a physical representation of God urging you to draw closer to Him. Satan would do all he could to glue your booty to the seat. (It is not the moving that saves you or heals you but the believing faith behind the move).

So, with tears already running down my face and most of my mascara and eyeliner already gone (I am such a girl), I made that breathtaking journey down the aisle. Upon arriving at my destination I had every intention of only mentioning my physical ailments but God had other plans...of which I will possibly share at a later time.

DON'T fall asleep yet, PLEASE. The most humbling thing about being up there is the fact that only about three people actually know me...and I would question the depth of them knowing me at that point. I had no idea of the other people in the room either. That did not matter since we all have at least one common factor..we are all sons and daughters of the living God. As everyone gathered around me and like in a movie, the music played in the background (one of the only moments in my life I have had my own background music. ;) ), I could not hold back the tears because in that moment I knew that God was and is able to do all things.

One of the most powerful moments was when we were asked to picture Jesus and to hold on to that picture. I have no idea how the others pictured Jesus, maybe dying on the cross, maybe the resurrection, maybe walking on water; all I could see was Jesus walking toward me, arms out in front of him, palms up, waiting to take my hand. He was moving toward me and asking me to take the step out and take his hand, to latch onto Him and never ever let go. I felt overwhelmed in my heart and I almost lost my breath. Jesus-the Son of God-wanting me. I was reminded of the woman in the Bible who just wanted to touch Jesus' robe as he passed through the crowd in order to be healed. What FAITH she must have had.

I was on a spiritual high when I left. I had not planned for any of that to happen, but that is how God works. I had a moment of very deep faith that God would do what I had asked at God's throne. Of course, the next day, doubt set in. I am being vulnerable when I say that I wish I had a faith like the woman who reached out and touched Jesus, but the reality is that I need God's help. You see, I don't know about the rest of you, but in my life it is much easier to pray for others to be healed and believe it can be done than it is to pray and believe for myself.

Weird how that works huh? My thoughts have been in the past, why would God want to heal me or answer my prayers? Why would I think that God could heal someone else but not heal me?

God is continually working in my heart that He loves me enough to perform miraculous wonders in my life. (Funny how He has shown this to me many times and yet I still doubt. Shame on me.) It is ironic that I can see Jesus in my heart reaching out to me but still have trouble touching Him and believing Him. I am trusting God for miracles now because I know He hears my prayers and cares for me his daughter just the same way He cares for YOU, believer or not, He loves you.

I shared this long drawn out story to say BELIEVE God for great things! Ask Him, He loves you. Cry out to Him, He will dry your tears. Step out in the aisle, He will meet you at the point of your need.

Rend your heart from the things holding you back and let God render your heart and restore you. In the mean time, I am down on my knees praying that God forgive my unbelief and to SHOW OUT in my life because He gets all the glory, honor, and praise.

With Love,
Jessica